People whose marriages seem solid are often blindsided with the revelation that their spouses have been unfaithful-financially.
It happens often. In 1 out of every 3 couples, one spouse admits to lying to his or her partner about money, according to a 2014 survey by the National Endowment for Financial Education. In addition, 76 percent of those surveyed said financial deception has adversely affected their relationships.
Those of us who provide holistic financial advice-that is, helping couples manage all aspects of their financial situation, not just their investments-are in a great position to help prevent financial infidelity or, when it does occur, to serve as dispassionate counselors and mediators.
And we deal with this often; my colleagues and I often feel equal parts marriage counselor and financial planner. When a case of financial infidelity comes to our attention, we use the same approach that we use to prevent it: encourage open, honest dialogue.
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But we can't force disclosure; we can only encourage couples to see that it's in their best interest to disclose financial secrets that could be hurting them. We're careful not to put ourselves in the middle of a personal issue or to disclose client confidentiality.
Sometimes, though, when it's obvious to both partners that something's amiss-usually because numbers don't add up-we speak factually and bluntly. In one recent case, a couple came to us for help in eliminating $50,000 in credit card debt. A detailed review of their situation revealed that $300,000 in net income earned over the past five years was unaccounted for-and neither spouse could explain where the money might have gone.
So I offered my own observation. "In my experience," I told them, "there are only four reasons that money seems to vanish with no explanation."
I waited for a reaction. It didn't take long-maybe 10 seconds-for the wife to exclaim, "Well, what are they?" I calmly replied. "A marital affair, drug or alcohol addiction, a gambling problem or compulsive shopping." She burst out laughing, saying none of that is possible in their case.
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Her husband looked away and said nothing-causing her to stop laughing and stare at him. The conversation during their drive home was either the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning. Usually it's the latter, but once or twice I've seen it become the former.
One of my colleagues came up with a simple tactic we use to dissuade our clients from hiding spending from their spouses: He simply gets his married clients to agree that each can spend a preset amount each month, however he or she wishes. They aren't required to ask permission of the other or tell their partner about it. That allows both to spend some cash without guilt and without damaging either their relationship or their financial plan.