Originally published by Tara Hunt on LinkedIn: I should not be here today: my story of depression and hopelessness...and how I found life on the other side
The girl in the header photo is me at 18. Yes, those earrings ARE huge. I remember them being quite heavy as well. I even remember sitting in this photobooth after plugging in my $1.50. I had just bought this dark purple chenille cowl-neck oversized sweater and matching crushed velvet leggings. I had moved to the big city and was feeling quite chic. I thought I looked pretty cute that day. I had also tried to kill myself 3 months earlier. It was a complicated time.
Almost 30 years later, I still remember the level of hopelessness I felt that made death seem like a good option. I remember it vividly and it seems like such an oddly normal memory... like the time I bought my first car or had my first kiss. I calmly planned it. I wasn't upset. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I just planned and executed it. And then at the last minute, when it was time to fade off, a small part of me fought back, picked up the phone and dialled 9-11.
I look back at that beautiful young woman with so much promise and I wonder what could have prevented me from going there. Who knows. A friend of mine posted earlier today that triggers don't have to be big and that the last time she felt hopeless was due to a sink full of dirty dishes. I didn't find that shocking or disturbing or even mundane, only funny and relatable. I think one of my triggers at 18 was not wanting to face math finals. And I was really good at math. Like 3.7 GPA (or in Canada, A-) good.
I haven't felt that hopeless since. That day I decided against dying and I've fought for life ever since. Don't get me wrong. Mental health issues have always been hanging over me and the struggles have plagued me constantly every day since then. And please don't misunderstand my statement on making a decision, either. Making a 'decision' is not a cure. This is not something that is mind over matter. I've had help. I've had endless help. Counselling, a fantastic support network, medication, and much much more. And even then, I struggle. The struggle is constant. It makes me tired. It's so much work. My brain is always at war with itself.
But here I am almost 30 years later. I've put myself so far out "there." I've built a (currently) successful business (also other NOT successful businesses). I've fallen in love and gotten married to a really outstanding man. I've travelled the world. I've met so many amazing people and made crazy incredible friends. I've made a million mistakes. I've done a bunch of stuff I'm super proud of. I raised another human being to adulthood (who struggles with his own mental health issues, but that is his story to tell. Still, that has been a challenge for me). I wrote a book. I've spoken at, like, more than 180 conferences (after battling anxiety). I own a house and have retirement savings and investments. I work hard. I employ people. I mentor. I give back. I listen. I care. I push myself every day to grow and try new things. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I live a pretty amazing life and I am really glad that I made a decision that day to go forward.