Dealing with money in a relationship is often a challenge, but sometimes the financial control one partner imposes on the other crosses can lead to financial abuse. According to Shannon Thomas, a licensed therapist and the author of “Exposing Financial Abuse,” using money as a form of control or power is very common — and very damaging.

“Financial abuse involves the exploitation and control and management of finances,” Thomas says. “It’s really about a psychologically abusive relationship where one person, through their lack of attachment and really through a lack of empathy for their partner, is getting everything that they can out of that relationship.”

For Janice Schacter Lintz, now a hearing loss consultant and advocate, getting a divorce made her realize how little she knew about her full financial picture during her marriage. She had to start over financially after divorce and debt.

“The way I was in a bubble was not healthy and that was a ridiculous way to live,” she says. “I had never even looked at the bills of my household, [I didn’t know] how much my mortgage payment was, how much my electricity was, I had no clue.”

Being in the dark about finances is something Thomas sees often with her clients. As a therapist, Thomas has treated victims of all kinds of abuse and estimates that 95% of abuse survivors have dealt with financial abuse. In her research for her book, Thomas heard from almost 2,000 people who shared stories of manipulation, emotional distress, financial control, and even financial ruin. Thomas says the stories shocked her.

“I’ve been a trauma-informed therapist for a number of years, and I was completely stunned by the bone-chilling and very raw stories that came out of it,” she says.

Warning signs

When it comes to identifying financial abuse, Thomas says it can be of a covert nature, in which subtle, deceitful behaviors are used to gain power in a relationship. Thomas says these behaviors are warning signs, and people should consider how much control their partner is asking for, and what their reaction is when money comes up in conversation.

“Is the person becoming a bully or defensive? Ask, am I afraid to talk about money because it will start a fight?” she advises.

Many times, there are red flags early on in the relationship that go ignored and the abuse will continue for years, she says. “There’s just a lot of underpinnings of psychological games that get played with financial abuse,” Thomas says. “When we’re getting to know someone new, we will see red flags early on, like asking for passwords of asking for full financial access.”