Author explains how to become a 'likeable badass'
In her new book, psychologist and professor Alison Fragale explains ways women can gain more status and power.
The key to success — skip power and shoot for status.
“Your status is the way people see you and how much you are respected, admired, and valued,” said Alison Fragale, author of the new book, "Likeable Badass: How Women Get the Success They Deserve." “And that is, by far, more important than power.”
Ultimately, if you change the way someone sees you, you’ll have an easier time getting what you want, be it a promotion, more money, or even setting your own work hours, Fragale said.
"Change in the workplace for women is not happening fast enough. By cultivating perceptions of warmth and assertiveness, women can get more power in their hands."
Here's more of what Fragale had to say about all that — and more — in a conversation with Yahoo Finance’s Kerry Hannon. Edited excerpts:
Kerry Hannon: I have to ask you right away, what is a likeable badass?
Alison Fragale: It's more than a catchy term of endearment. It has meaning rooted in psychology. A likeable badass is nodding to the two dimensions that we pay attention to when we decide how much we respect another person or they decide how much they respect us.
There are two things we're always evaluating when we look at other people: One, do they care about people other than themselves? What are their intentions? Do they want to be helpful? And that's where I get likeable. It’s caring, sincere, honest, agreeable.
The second dimension is how capable are you? If I give you a task, can you execute? And we value that as well. So are you competent? Are you organized? Are you dedicated? Are you persistent?
I use badass to connote that.
Can you elaborate on the status vs. power equation?
I distinguish between power and status. People often go for power first. Forget respect; just pay me and promote me while you're at it, and I'll be happy. I can deal with all the other slights and insults and things that suggest that you don't value me. The challenge is it doesn't work that way. The way to get power is to think about building status early and broadly in as many relationships as possible.
What are some ways we can build status?
Status is affected by how you show up. That's the part that each of us can control to our advantage. There are also a lot of subtle ways, like the way we speak and how fast we talk and the gestures and postures that we use.
Physically taking up space — the more we expand, the more dominant and competent we're perceived to be. Speaking quickly is a sign of competence. Humor is another one, which I really love because I've always leaned on humor. Humor is a mark of intelligence. It's hard to make people laugh. If you can, it's joyous and cohesive. It's also seen as really warm.
Another tool is a type of behavior that allows you to add value to somebody else while using your expertise. Quick examples would be giving somebody advice. You don't have to be a lifelong mentor, but if I give you helpful advice that uses my unique expertise, I show up as competent.
Making an introduction is another example. I love that. As soon as I connect you with a person that has value to you, I've done something unique. My network has value, and I've done it for your benefit.
What’s your secret to building status in our professional relationships?
Ask, "What can I do to be helpful to you?" Reciprocity rules relationships. It's highly likely the person will then ask you, and you should have an answer. That's how we can build relationships, and people like helping as well. We always think that we're putting people out when we ask for help, but that's not true. We overestimate how much we're inconveniencing people when we ask for help, and we are allowing them to show up as an expert.
You say that women often make too many unnecessary apologies and that can be a blowback on how their boss or even co-workers view them. How so?
When someone compliments you, you don't want to seem boastful. You want to seem humble. So there's a natural tendency to downplay the compliment because it's a sign of humility.
But that's not how people see it. When someone downplays your compliment, it's like them telling you that you were wrong. A simple "thank you" and "that makes my day" are way more warm in relationship building and also allow you to take credit for what you're good at because we're seen as the experts on ourselves.
What is the role of mentoring in helping women gain status and power?
I focus on the idea of fractional mentorship — not looking for a single mentor who can teach you everything but looking for multiple mentors, each of whom can teach you something. One of the things we can look for in our set of multiple mentors is somebody who's good at navigating their own status so that we can learn from them, even if they're in a very different career or industry.
And find your way to mentor others. Mentoring others builds your status, and you can earn respect. When you’re mentoring, you’re using your unique information, talents, and experience to benefit someone else's life. That's a great way to show up as really capable and really caring — a very likable, badass.
Kerry Hannon is a Senior Columnist at Yahoo Finance. She is a career and retirement strategist, and the author of 14 books, including "In Control at 50+: How to Succeed in The New World of Work" and "Never Too Old To Get Rich." Follow her on X @kerryhannon.
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