10 Tips for Talking Money When You’re Dating Someone New
Cindy Lamothe
7 min read
Hispanolistic / iStock/Getty Images
Dating someone new will elicit many emotions — excitement, nervousness and the desire to make a good impression. You’ll likely talk about everything in those initial stages of courting. From where you went to school to your favorite music and films to where you’ve both traveled.
The one major thing that usually never comes up? Money. And for good reason. Most people don’t know how to talk about it — especially to someone you’re still getting to know. But being on the same page when it comes to finances is one of the most important things to know in a relationship.
Still, how do you broach the topic? If only there were some magical script you could read to help you with the awkwardness. Luckily, there are experts who can help you. “What I always tell my clients is this: the sooner you have the ‘money talk,’ the better,” said Marissa Moore, MA, LPC, licensed professional counselor, therapist and mental health consultant at Mentalyc.
While the conversation may be uncomfortable, doing so is important for your finances and your relationship. “It’s one of those conversations that can set the foundation for openness, trust and understanding in a relationship,” Moore explained. “And the reality is that money issues are one of the top reasons couples argue, so it’s worth addressing early to prevent future stress.”
Before deciding what to talk about with your new partner when it comes to finances, you first need to determine when you should have the discussion.
“Timing can be tricky, right? You don’t want to bring up finances on your third date, but you also don’t want to wait until you’re moving in together,” Moore said. “I usually suggest talking about money when the relationship starts to feel serious — when you’re talking about future plans, spending more time together or thinking about shared goals.”
Waiting too long to have the conversation can have consequences. “I had a client who waited too long to bring up money, and by the time they were considering combining finances, they realized they had very different approaches to spending. It led to some tension that could have been avoided had they talked about it sooner,” Moore explained.
It can be intimidating to bring up money talk, especially in a new relationship, according to Brooke Keels, Ph.D., chief clinical officer at Lighthouse Recovery. However, it’s essential to have these conversations early on, before major decisions or commitments are made.
“Bringing up the topic may feel uncomfortable at first, but remember that it’s not just about you and your partner — having open communication around money can benefit both of you in the long run,” Keels said.
Approach It Casually
This is a conversation that’s important to have, but starting it out casually could help set a good tone for the conversation.
For example, maybe after dinner or during a walk, say something like, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about how we handle money as we get more serious. How do you feel about talking through some of that?”
Address the Awkwardness
“It’s totally normal for it to feel a little weird at first,” Moore said.
She noted that acknowledging that upfront can actually help. You might say something like, “I know money can be an awkward topic, but I think it’s important for us to talk about it now so we can avoid any confusion down the road.”
“Being honest about the awkwardness often makes it less uncomfortable,” Moore explained.
Start With Openness and Honesty
When you’re entering a new relationship and the time comes to discuss finances, you should aim to be as open and honest as possible from the get-go, Keels suggested.
“You don’t need to drop all your financial details immediately, but communicating clearly about your values and expectations surrounding money can set a solid foundation for the future,” she said. “It’s a bit like talking about your goals or life aspirations — money is just another component of how you build your life together.”
She also said you shouldn’t lie or hide any financial struggles you may be facing. “Sweeping these issues under the rug will only lead to bigger problems down the road,” Keels explained.
Be Transparent About Your Financial History
If you have been in debt, filed for bankruptcy or have other financial concerns, Keels said it’s critical to share this information with your partner.
“This may be a difficult conversation to have, but keeping secrets about your finances and past mistakes can possibly lead to trust issues later on,” she said.
By being open and transparent, you can work through any potential challenges together. “It’s better to be upfront about any past challenges so you can work together on a plan to move forward and avoid similar situations in the future,” Keels stated.
Don’t Sound Too Judgmental
According to Keels, money can be a pretty sensitive topic for many people, so it’s important to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding.
“If your partner had a not-so-great financial past or has different spending habits than you, try to avoid sounding judgmental or critical,” she said.
Instead, she emphasized focusing on finding common ground and discussing goals and plans for the future that align with both your values and your financial situations.
“Remember — this is a team effort, and working together will lead to more productive and positive outcomes,” Keels explained.
Be Vulnerable
Moore recommended sharing something personal about your own relationship with money. For instance, you could say, “I’ve always been a bit of a spender, and it’s something I’m trying to manage better.”
Sharing about yourself can open up the conversation and make your partner feel comfortable sharing with you as well. “Vulnerability helps the conversation feel more open and less judgmental,” Moore said.
Be Patient and Willing To Compromise
As with any other important conversation in a relationship, Keels said it’s essential to listen to your partner’s perspective and be open-minded.
“Be patient if they don’t share the same view as you or have different financial goals. Use this as an opportunity to understand each other better and find ways to meet in the middle,” she said.
While it may take some time for both of you to reach a compromise, the keys are communication, understanding and mutual respect.
“Again, since money is such a sensitive topic, don’t expect to have all the answers or reach an agreement in a single conversation. Be willing to revisit and continue the dialogue as your relationship grows and evolves,” Keels explained.
Frame It as a Team Discussion
Instead of making the conversation about “you vs. me,” Moore suggested approaching it as a team. You can ask yourself and your partner how you can work together on financial things.
“That way, it feels like you’re both on the same side, working toward the same goals,” she said.
Why It’s Important
Talking about money, especially when you’re dating someone new, can be tricky. But overcoming the challenges and awkwardness is crucial so that you can set yourself and your partner up for success in the long run.
“Talking about money early shows you’re both willing to be open and transparent,” Moore said. “I’ve seen time and time again that couples who have these conversations early on tend to build stronger, more trusting relationships. It’s not about having all the answers, it’s about being willing to communicate, even when it’s uncomfortable.”
